A Hundred and One Dates

You lay in bed thinking of everything in your life. The people you have around you. Your career. Your education. The things that make you happy, the things that make you upset. The romances that have come and gone. Thinking… Overthinking..

That’s my problem. I tend to overthink a lot of things. I grew up with that mindset, always wanting to know the honest truth but always being left in the dark. Over the most recent years my issue has been revolving around romances. I’ve been on so many dates I’ve lost track, so for the sake of this blog post, let’s just say I’ve been on about a hundred dates. A hundred first dates. This new generation of dating is tough on anyone, it’s extremely hard to meet people as no one wants to take the time to get to know each other anymore. I’ve been browsing through dating sites since I turned 18 and had entered the workforce right away after graduating a semester early from high school. That is nearly two and a half years of swiping left or right on so many faces. Two and a half years of reading profile after profile. Two and a half years of going on first date after first date, and hardly ever getting to the second date. The dating life can be quite harsh on a person. It can make you think that something is wrong with you, and it can most definitely take your confidence down a couple notches. I’ve spent so many nights wondering why my ex-boyfriends didn’t stay with me. I always got this stupid little comment from each one saying “You’re the perfect girlfriend, but…”

In my mind, I’m the kind of girl who goes out of her way for you, the kind of girl who cares for you when you are sick. The kind of girl who doesn’t mind picking something  up for you from the store if I’m already on my way over. I’m the kind of girl who would offer to cook you dinner, even if you hadn’t asked (Mostly because I love my food, and chances are I’m hungry too!). I’m the girl who likes giving back massages because truthfully, I love the body contact. The kind of girl who likes to send you at least one text message a day just to say “Hey, hope you have a great day today!But it isn’t enough, not with this new age of dating.

I think my other issue is that I seem to be attracted to guys who are damaged. That’s right, damaged. The ones who just happened to have that destructive girlfriend just before they met me. You know the type, the ones that wrap a guy around their tiny manicured finger, only to crush his heart by dropping a freight train on it. I always seem to get the tangled mess of a heart left over from such an event. I think one of the worst comments I’ve ever gotten from an ex-relationship is “You remind me of my ex when she and I first started dating.” to which I can only *SIGH*… Guys. Don’t go telling any girl about previous relationships, don’t even compare or contrast any girl. Everyone has their perks, and downsides too. It’s human nature. The comparing comments are what ALWAYS got to me the most. You could almost see it in their eyes when they told you they really enjoyed your company.. “I wish you were her.”

The thing about relationships is that you have to learn to appreciate every beautiful flaw they have. But sometimes, you can’t get over the fact that in their minds they want someone else. That’s when dating becomes toxic. You get almost…. Almost obsessed with trying to make them look at you and see you, not someone else. Which might I add, has caused a damaging effect on my own heart.

I’ve been turned into the kind of girl who gets anxious when she hasn’t heard from you for a few days, because I’ve had so many texts left with no responses after I thought the first date went well. I get those thoughts of “Oh my god, there’s something wrong with me.” – Okay, so I’m not the girl you see yourself with a few months down the road, or even a few years down – but you’re judging that off of the first time you met me. From the first date you don’t know the silly stupid things I do to lovingly annoy the ones I care about such as the fact that my one sister and I talk in these high pitch little voices to get one another’s attention. Or the fact that I love watching stupid videos on the internet. Or even the fact that when I sneeze it sounds like a mouse getting stepped on. You also don’t get to see the best of the best of me. You don’t get to see this strong girl who decides for herself what she is worth. And to me? I’m worth a whole lot of everything amazing.

In this new age of dating, you get one chance to make a good impression. You’re not allowed to be too shy, too kind, too blunt. You’re not allowed to be completely and fully you. You have to make a good and lasting impression. Make everyone believe you are this perfect person who hasn’t suffered heartbreak after heartbreak. To make them believe you haven’t lived a couple decades worth of hardships. That you are simply perfect. But, what does it actually mean to be perfect? There is no such thing. There is no ounce of “perfection” in anyone. Unless perfection means having the most ideal flaws one can have. Dating and romance are about finding someone who’s flaws are absolutely beautiful in your eyes. About finding someone who’s personality resonates with your own, like a brilliant violin playing to the thundering sound of fireworks. Something you thought wouldn’t work well together, but turned out to be the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or felt.

So why is this blog entitled “A Hundred and One Dates?” 

As I mentioned before, for the sake of this blog I’ve been on “a hundred dates.” Although in reality I’ve probably been on hundreds more. Regardless of such, there is still “One” date missing. That remaining “One” is reserved for my future soulmate. The person who will find me stunning, even at my worst of times. The person who won’t mind waking up to my terrible breath in the morning because he has breath just as bad. The one who will kiss me even after I’ve just devoured a ton of Mozzarella & Garlic Open-Face sandwiches during the Winter holidays. The man who I will get the chance to glance at every now and then thinking “How did I ever get so lucky to have you all to myself?” To which, even if it takes a thousand more dates, I will reserve that special one for the amazing man who will walk into my life at anytime. It could be a few years from now, it could be a month from now. Heck, it could even be today.

Welcome to my unbalanced life.

Typically Unbalanced

From the point in which you wake up, roll over and swipe the alarm clock silent. From the moment you slowly force yourself out of your bed because your bladder is on the verge of bursting. Even if it’s the same routine morning after morning, is it really balanced? Day to day, are your moods completely the same? Excited, happy, bursting with energy or lethargic, devastated, and unwilling? Did you get enough sleep, or did you stay up late watching episode after episode on Netflix?

There are some mornings where I, myself, wake up and stare at the ceiling thinking “Just what am I doing with my life? Is waking up at 6:10AM to go to work as a receptionist really worth it? Why can’t I just win the lottery?” But then I remember that I have a credit card to pay off, and the chances of me winning the lottery are fewer than that of being eaten by a shark – the sad thing is that despite living in Canada, the shark attack is still more likely for me than the lottery. There are times where choosing to put effort into my appearance is as hard of a decision as getting out of bed. Most days I choose to just whip on mascara, throw my hair into a weird “bun” and get dressed. That’s it. Countless moments where as I’m driving I think to myself “My work’s exit off the highway is one exit away from the exit I could easily take to escape to the mountains for the day… or week…” Countless moments where I almost “accidentally” miss my exit because my mind is so occupied with the visions of the mountains that I’m occasionally that “asshole driver” who merges in last minute with hardly a 10 seconds worth of a turning signal notice – to which I say sorry to all those drivers who have had the chance to drive behind me during the morning Edmonton rush hour traffic – my thoughts have a mind of their own I swear.

Then as I sit at work, doing my every day receptionist duties – which include doing other people’s tasks because they are too busy looking on Kijiji for homes to go preview instead of processing invoices as their job details – I take my time, and browse the internet every ten invoices or so as well. Scrolling through Pinterest and looking at the Health and Fitness boards thinking “It’s officially time to lose that 10lbs that I’ve been really wanting to lose …. As I sit there stuffing a KitKat into my mouth. The thing about Pinterest, is that I have a Love/Hate relationship with it’s majestic being. One second I’m scrolling through the Health and Fitness boards, saving workout diagrams to my cellphone, or just hitting “Like” every few seconds, and the next second I’m looking at recipes – and oh my, does that Triple Chocolate Cheesecake ever look delicious… Aaand back to the Health and Fitness… Hence the Love/Hate relationship. Though admittedly, I have no motivation to bake nor exercise.

Motivation, that’s something I could use these recent days. When I have it, you bet your ass I can do amazing things – but when I don’t? It’s extremely tough to get anything done. In my spare time – when I’m not working as a receptionist and eating KitKats – I am a photographer. I’ve actually opened up my own business revolving around photography as well. Though truthfully, lately I’ve had no motivation to do anything regarding it, not even processing photos. It’s the slump that happens every year. The lack of sunlight, the bitter cold winds, the naked trees, and empty landscapes. All these little things that easily put me into a state of procrastinating on everything. Currently I do not own my own studio, and when I do shoots they are generally outdoors. Unless you are shooting against a building, it gets harder and harder to find areas that are breathtaking. Until the snow falls, the barren land almost casts a sense of darkness upon the way I view the world. I’m seriously crossing my fingers for the snow to fall in Edmonton soon. The glimmering white fluffiness is just what I need to put that pep back in my step, just what I need to find my motivation again. That, or a good tall glass of something alcoholic.

Welcome to my unbalanced life.